Life Unplanned, ‘Life Victory’
What does ‘life victory’ look like for you? When I was told by a priest that I would have a ‘life victory’ this June/July, I had no idea what that meant. It sounded nice for sure but lacked familiarity.
This is what mine looked like, along with its glorious challenges.
Returning to the Worldly World
Upon returning to my home base in Chicago in May, I found myself in a peculiar position: I had zero future plans. Not even to continue to travel the world. I had already gone over my designated 1-year time off after leaving the familiar working world behind, and it was time to reintegrate.
I wanted to go back to work and contribute to the society. I also needed to move out of my apartment by the end of the summer before lease expiration. But I had no (paying) job leads and no family to claim and didn’t know where to begin.
To Plan or Not to Plan
I had two options:
- Option #1: Make plans, figure out where to live and look for a job.
- Option #2: Don’t make any plans, stay put, and let things unfold.
Being action oriented and workaholic by nature, I followed #1. My heart called for mountains, which Chicago was missing. So my mind began constructing logical steps to look for an ideal mountain town.
But I didn’t have any particular leads and had no idea what kind of job I would be able to find, which would allow me to continue my new daily practice. I was routinely spending first three hours of the morning practicing yoga and meditation, followed by leisurely preparing breakfast and eating in gratifying peace. This meant even when I woke up at 5:30am, I could not start working till 9:30am, assuming zero commute. I also cooked 2-3x a day to support proper yogic diet of fresh vegetarian meals. I had completely lost the ability to multi task. Who in the world is going to hire me with this kind of personal needs?
My mind could not solve the puzzle, and I realized I was back to mind-led planning. It didn’t work before. So I dropped all planning and switched to Option #2: wait for things to unfold.
For someone who is prone to structure and has a workaholic tendency, this was challenging and not very logical. It was one that required grave patience and faith. It was awkward to answer everyone’s favorite question, “What’s next?” – “I’m waiting for things to unfold.” “I’m bumming around a bit longer.”“I retired.” None of this was satisfactory to my ego.
But the practice was to embrace the present and accept the unknown. I needed to be at peace and happy today, not when I find a job. Feeling supported by the universe and staying open was critical, because when you feel separate and on your own, the tendency is to get defensive and close down. Easily said than done.
Meditation helps in undoing your artificial barriers by allowing you to connect with inherent inner peace and feel oneness with your surrounding. So I focused on my daily practice and worked on simplifying my lifestyle and shedding material stuff one by one. In the meantime, my cost of living dropped dramatically as old worldly habits fell away (e.g. drinking, eating out, buying stuff, etc.).
Fortunately, unfolding began in the most unexpected way, naturally and effortlessly.
New Home
Late spring is a beautiful season in Chicago anchored by ever shining Lake Michigan and with flowers blooming everywhere. I took up Japanese cultural activities like zen marshal art kendo (fencing), traditional dance bon odori, and even taiko drumming. They all helped emptying of the mind and ego reduction and came with supportive communities. I began to embrace life in Chicago, and this chipped away at desire to relocate. Staying in Chicago suddenly seemed more attractive.
In the beginning of the summer, I reunited with someone I had met in Chicago right before my world travel. We had each recently undergone transformation, which provided a solid foundation to build on. As dating progressed, our relationship flourished to the point he invited me to move in. I had found myself a new home.
Work Situation
In May, I returned to Sivananda ashram in the Bahamas where I had spent three months earlier in the year. Since I had given up on trying to figure out my life, I was available to help out on a short-term project. Besides, I could not turn down the translucent Bahamian beach!
I left the ashram in the morning of a special birthday celebration of the spiritual director. At the airport, I ran into venerable Tibetan monk Tenzin Palmo who had apparently left the ashram around the same time. She recognized me from attending her lectures and extended her arms out to take in my hand. It was one of those magical moments that would stay with me. When you have a blank future, there is no better assurance that you are exactly where you are meant to be than to get blessed by Tenzin Palmo. The following day, I met my future work.
I had brought back what I viewed as homework from the ashram to check up on a prospect technology vendor on their behalf. I was blown away when I read about the company’s mission to help people connect with spirituality and support the global spiritual evolution. I was even more shocked when the company mentioned they had just started looking for help managing their finance.
Of course, they happened to be located in a beautiful mountain town (British Columbia!), the kind of place I was envisioning, except it’s probably even more beautiful. And the task was part time and remote flexible. Too good to be true?? But the textbook synchronicity told me this was happening.
What’s really fascinating about all this is that if I had pursued Option #1 and gone out on a tour of mountain towns looking for a job, I would not have had the time to volunteer and would have completely missed out on this opportunity. Sure I would have eventually found a meaningful job maybe at some non-profit organization. I may have struggled to keep up my daily practice from job demands, but my life would have been just fine. But by letting go of the desire to control the future and instead staying open and following services I was asked to provide, I was led to ideal work.
Once again, I am shown how the mind limits me, and the immense reward for overcoming the mind and its offspring like ego, desire, and fear. This is why I now strive to get out of my head and live from my heart. This is why I meditate every day.
1.5 Years in Review
This all started when I had a moment of silence in my mind, when it occurred to me I needed to pause after 17 years of working in corporate finance. The job was taking over my identity, and I needed to see who I was without a job, paycheck, or title. Luckily I had the financial security to take the plunge into the unknown.
The original plan was to take a year off and travel to places I had dreamed of and go deeper in yoga. The first thing I happened to do was to sign up for a 10-day silent meditation called Vipassana for January 2017. I now view my life as before and after Vipassana. This is where I met myself as a complete harmonious being. I naively felt that I had fully transformed and fulfilled the purpose of my time off. But as it turned out, it was only the beginning.
A month in holy Rishikesh, India in March helped me break down what it was that I experienced in Vipassana and what a spiritual path was like (very long). Revisiting my heritage through a spiritual mountain pilgrimage in Japan in April showed that spirituality was deeply engraved in my culture all this time.
Six weeks of volunteering in Kenya last fall was perhaps the most rewarding experience of oneness after breaking down the cultural barriers. I continue to receive abundant love from the group of disabled women whose business I helped expand, and they will forever be my family.
I had many memorable hikes from New Zealand to Canada, but Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania was the most challenging by far and equally rewarding with its outer-space like experience.
Sivananda ashram in the Bahamas allowed me to experience authentic community living and immerse in yogic way through 3-month karma yoga program. Karma yoga is a process of purification by offering of service without expecting anything in return and seeing divinity in everyone you serve. I learned to maintain inner peace in the face of challenges and to consciously relax physically, emotionally, and mentally (very useful skills!). This was also where I had the most visible physical transformation with daily Hatha Yoga classes, growing stronger and more flexible.
Lastly..
In May 2018, I went back to Vipassana for another 10 days of silent meditation. During the retreat, I had the surreal experience that my body was made up of little vibrating things. As far as I could tell, that was all there was, just mass of bubbles. Yet all my life, my ego had me working hard to try to become someone..
Where was the ‘stiff’ yogi? It was all in my head! Now that I know better, I can experience profound freedom and joy that comes from being released from bondage to self identity. And having that experience daily through meditation is a real life victory to me.
I am very excited for the next chapter in my life and am grateful for all that helped me get to this point. I hope to keep on sharing my journey on this blog, but please do not expect ‘happily ever after’. The practice is to be happy now, in the face of all the worldly challenges.
May we all have magical life victories to share and inspire.
Om.
